When Your Loved on Suffers from Anxiety Disorder

There's a place for us,
Somewhere a place for us.
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
Somewhere. 

There's a time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time to spare,
Time to learn, time to care,
Some day! 

- West Side Story

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YStlwOxfXI

I hear groans from the other room: "Oh, no." "I can't do it!" " Dang it!" "It won't work". It is my son. He is wrestling with something. He has wrestled so long now, that we might be late if I do not go check it out.

And yet, I don't want to be the trained puppy who comes running to rescue and take over whenever Ben cannot do something. Or, at least, if he needs help, he needs to seek me out and ask for it, or at least 'gently' holler from his room to inquire if I can be of some assistance.

But he doesn't. So forget all the wonderful principled advice from the psychologist (after all, she does not live with my son minute to minute), I trot into his room. He is sprawled in his bucket chair, wrestling with the zipper to his pants, which is stuck down.  

"Ben," I say in a kindly voice, "do you need help".  He groans. At this point, I witness the interior battle. He doesn't want help, but he needs help, and he hates asking for it. It is all so humiliating. I understand that. In fact, I am not trying to humiliate him when I insist that he ask for help. It is more that I don't want to turn into the co-dependent accommodator who comes running to fill his every wish whenever he sounds like he is in a touch of emotional discomfort over a task he cannot complete by himself. 

The balance -- the balance -- the balance. I cannot over-react to accommodate when he is upset, but no more can I stand there with my arms crossed, haughtily demanding, "And WHAT do you say?" in order to get him to solicit my patronage. 

"Do you need help?" I repeat. " I know how tough zippers can be. Let's take these dumb pants and throw them out and get you a pair that work the way they are supposed to."

Problem solved, and we happily trot out to our oatmeal and pineapple spread.

Mornings are key. A morning off kilter often leads to a day off kilter. And I know that many of you will echo that this is so for you too. It certainly can be for me, however, it is a matter of degree. Persons who suffer from anxiety disorders trigger easily and recover with great difficulty over seemingly small matters.

Our mornings go like this (on an ideal day in the summer when I am off from teaching).  I get up, put on my work out clothes. I put on the classical  NPR station in the livingroom, and I wake Ben to Mozart, Back, Strauss, or Rimsky-Korsikov, and while he takes 45 mins to get dressed, I take my morning walk. I return, light the candles on the table and start cooking steel cut oats, which we eat with a bowl of fruit on the patio under a beautiful green maple tree with the morning song of birds nearby. It is a lovely treat, except, not every morning goes according to plan.

From Signal to Reaction

Our environment signals to us (people, weather, objects, circumstances) and we have to take those signals in -- that requires sensory processing, i.e. we process the information that hits our senses. What is it? DOES it hurt? Do I need to move away? Does it feel good? Do I need to come closer? In Ben's case, he has a delayed neurology that results in him not just getting burned by something hot (we all do) but taking so long to let go that he usually ends up with more severe burns than most of us would get.

Once that information has registered on our senses, we need to cognitively process the sensory information that we received. Our brains need to evaluate the information and what it means. (Executive functioning). This requires judgment. This requires some level of awareness and a sense of the bigger picture.

Finally, after evaluating what some sensory input means, we need to decide how to respond or whether it is necessary to respond. And once we have decided to respond, we need to monitor, evaluate, and modify appropriately the intensity of whatever emotional response we decided to put forth. (Emotional regulation)

And all three steps happen in a matter of a split second (Sensory processing, executive functioning, and emotional regulation). When you think about it, so much can go wrong in what we decide in that split second, as we all know when we have been in an unexpected threatening situation. Thankfully, most of us are well tuned in to life's daily input and make reasonably sound and functional choices when we are in a routine.

For Ben, routines also help tremendously. When he feels in charge and in control and feels like he knows what he needs to do next, his anxiety is lower, and things usually go well. It is just that so much of his life is not under his control, so much of what happens lies out side his immediate scope of judgment and ability to see fully, that he is more prone to have something in one of the three steps (sensory processing, executive functioning, or emotional regulation) go wrong  on any given day. 

It is Simple -- Just Behave

He should just behave, some say. It is not that hard. But I would maintain that unless you have walked a mile in his shoes, you have no idea how hard it is, how many times he is misunderstood or misunderstands a situation, nor how many times his most well-meaning attempts to do the right thing ends up getting him "burned", metaphorically speaking.

Trigger

For those who have sensory processing disorders, or who are slow or who lack judgment on executive functioning, or who perhaps lack proper emotional regulation, a simple event, like sitting next to a person who waves his hands on the bus, can turn into a major emotional event.

It happened  a million times in the past, but one example, when he was new to a program he got on a bus where a person Ben did not know, a person with poor motor control, was waving his arms. Ben who was sitting in the seat right in front of the person, felt threatened and slugged the person in self-defense. (Much like Don Quixote and the wind mills).  -- Now, of course Ben should not slug people, and of course he should have "used his words" to tell the person that the person was getting in his (Ben's) space, after which, Ben should have alerted the staff person on the bus that he was getting nervous because of the arm waving,  and then politely requested to be moved to a seat a distance away from this person with the waving arms.

But think about how many steps of processing and judgment it takes to go from "Oh there is something bumping the back of my head. It just hit me again. I don't like this" to  "Ms. Kim, would you please come over here, observe this, grant my request to move to another seat, and then help me get up with my back pack and my ten other pack-ratty things I bring to my program every day, so I can occupy another seat??"  Seems much faster to just turn around  and slug the perpetrator.

This sort of incident can easily be regulated long term by where Ben sits. It also is resolved once Ben knows the program participant who waves his arms and knows that is just how this person is. Then Ben can choose to sit near or far from the person depending on his own comfort level, but that initial encounter is not one that anyone necessarily can foresee or prevent. It just happens. And there may be many such incidents weekly when you have a loved one with an anxiety disorder.

Walking on Egg Shells

I shared in a previous blog how Easter morning turned into a melt down disaster because Ben did not get to ring the bells. We went home after the service, calmed Ben down (sometimes that is a matter of a few minutes, and sometimes he sits and stares at the wall muttering to himself for HOURS, depends on his level of obsession and on how well I am able to redirect him, or how well he manages to redirect himself).

And that is the tough part of living with a loved one who has an anxiety disorder or some other mental health issue. Their ability to process, understand, and communicate with reality accurately varies, and when that ability fails them at one of the three stages, conflict often ensues. 

Persons living with the person with the mental health issue are often (usually) operating at some level of stress because the loved one cannot be counted on to be in a logical, rational state of mind. And even though it is not ALL THE TIME that the illogical irrational state of mind is present (thank God!), you do not know WHEN the other shoe is going to drop. THAT is where the egg-shell existence can at times be a more or less permanent state of affairs.

Developmental Disability and Anxiety

I have had people ask whether it is harder to have a dependent with Down syndrome who also has an anxiety disorder -- in contrast to having a loved one with a typical IQ who suffers from an anxiety disorder. 

My answer is -- depends. 

I remember many years back helping a friend who was going through a hard time. I did not know this friend super well, but I thought cheering her up with some entertainment, taking her out would be the ticket.  Little did I know what hid behind her exterior in terms of anxiety. My invitation was accepted somewhat reluctantly with a series of what ifs, ranging from mosquitoes to sunscreen, to water to discomfort sitting on the ground, and then finally, the morning before the afternoon when I was going to come and get her for the 2 hour event, she called me and she was crying. She had not slept all night, worrying about this little trip/walk/outing we were going to take in the outdoors, and she felt so sick and so headachy worrying about it, there wqs no way she could go. -- I was completely taken aback. I had thought I was cheering someone, and instead I had made her suffer for a whole week worrying about how she was going to say no to me. This is a woman of high IQ, very accomplished in her own field, but completely unable to function outside her own bubble. It took me a while to get to compassion because I was so dumbfounded, so ignorant that it was possible to suffer like that. Back then, I thought she just needed a grip. Nowadays, I know, there are people who suffer like that, who are deeply anxious about anything familiar, and it is not just a matter of exposure for those people to reintegrate into 'typical' life with all its hustle and bustle.

I think in many regards I prefer dealing with my own Benjamin rather than with adults with typical IQs. Benjamin does (at times) sport the stereotypical friendly Down syndrome disposition and he CAN be easy when well grooved in his routine. In addition, I full guardian powers and I can to some extend 'displine' by  granting and withholding coveted events and possessions. I do not have any issues with substance abuses, since Benjamin lives in a tightly regulated home without access to stimulants. He goes to programs that are wholesome and spiritually based, and over all, his situation is well enough controlled that I can ensure good sleep hygiene, daily exercise, a little academic stimulation, and an excellent diet at all times.

If you have a loved one of typical IQ who finds him or herself to fall in the possibly 20% (NPR says) of the  population that struggles with some kind of mental health issue (depression being the disease of the 90s and anxiety being the disease of the new millenium) you may feel more free because you don't have to drive them or baby sit them every minute, but on the other hand with those freedoms that your loved one with mental health issues has also comes access to all sorts of behavior, ingestibles, and activities with less than ideal companions that can in extreme cases lead some persons with mental health issues down long winding self-destructuve paths that you can only witness, lament, and take the brunt of when they return and in whatever manner they choose allow all the ill that has come from their choices to spill all over you. And then you sit, off and on, during the bad times with this loved one with a tremendous burden of how to set boundaries, what to put up with, and generally in the usual conundrum of how to be loving to this person for whom life is always a tremendous struggle -- so much of it seemingly of the person's own doing.

I don't think there is a good answer here, and we never are given a choice between the two anyways, unless we are the kind of saintly persons who open up our homes as host homes to persons with mental or cognitive disabilities.

Summa Summarum

I wrote this to bring, perhaps, a teensy bit of clarity around having a person with special needs who also has a co-morbidity of a mental health component. It is a very common combination for persons with Down's. 50% develop a mental health component as adults -- because, it is just so hard to fit into a society that is based on competition and the free market, where the fast, the smart, the industrious succeed, the rest of us take second or third row, and the weak, the old, the sick, and those who just never were able to find a groove where society welcomes them, are just left behind to flounder. Some of that floundering is done dysfunctionally, in a repetitive, somewhat self-destructive mental illness groove where those people, to the best of their abilities, try to feel just OK about themselves some of the time. 

God on high

Hear my prayer

In my need

You have always been there

He is young

He's afraid

Let him rest

Heaven blessed.

Bring him home

Bring him home

Bring him home.

Bring him peace

Bring him joy

- Les Miserables

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXnRf3TQcpk&list=RDyKne5ak9V9s&index=5

...He came unto his own, and his own received him not...

"For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of a dry ground: he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him." Isaiah 53:2

http://heremembersthebarren.com/2013/01/06/my-suffering-is-a-blessing-contest-winner/

These days tolerance and open-mindedness seem to be in vogue everywhere.  At least in principle.

We've all watched Bruce Jenner in his new female form as Caitlyn trying to raise awareness for his/her plight and the alienation that persons like Caitlyn feel from much the world. The ideal, as it is espoused, is that the world should view such a transformation positively and with acceptance.

Now, I am not here to discuss trans-gender issues or gender fluidity. (I have my views, but they do not belong here and now). I am here to discuss special needs.

Now, unlike transgender people, persons with special needs -- many of them -- have little control over their differences in appearance. And many people, in public, as I have mentioned before, react strongly to persons with special needs -- especially when the special needs persons have grown into the teen and adult years.... when they -- to the rest of the world -- cease to be so very cute as they were when they were toddles. 

Those of us who live with persons with special needs and have friends among persons with special needs are so used to seeing these precious people that we don't even note their differences in appearance and behavior. 

Much of the rest of the world reacts in shock when we bring our special needs children into public. I have previously mentioned that I have heard parents on playgrounds pull their kids close and tell them they won't let my son hurt them. 

This Frankenstein syndrome is alive and well (and Mary Shelley did a great job of depicting that issue in her book). 

It is perhaps by nature that we recoil when we see something unusual like twisted torsos, spastic movements, deformed faces, and missing limbs. Combine that with a bit of drooling, loud incoherent noises, a wheel chair, or a speech device, and you have  "not normal! high alert! not sure what might come from that quarter!" resounding in people's minds. Their natural inclination is to withdraw, circle the wagons, and stay in hyper vigilant mode... just in case. 
Just in case what?? 

Persons with special needs are not particularly strong or dangerous. It's a little absurd to be so scared and vigilant, especially of persons with limited mobility and limited speech. So-called 'normal' people are FAR more dangerous.  (Kind of like when C. S. Lewis commented that our fear of dead people is entirely irrational. What kind of men would be less dangerous than dead ones?)

Back to Jenner for a moment... much as I can feel for anyone who is different who struggles to get the world to accept his or her differences -- I do feel that the emphasis on persons like Jenner is misplaced. persons like Jenner do have a lot of choice about how they want to appear before the world and the level of differences they choose to display  to the world -- all while demanding that the world accepts them as they choose to appear. (Conchita Wurst comes to mind here. A lot of CHOOSING to shock in places where Conchita KNOWS people will be shocked. There is an element of volition here on the part of Conchita.)

Persons with special needs do not have much of a choice in how they look. They are not out to shock anyone. What they are is what they are. And in a lot of ways  I feel that to revolt in horror at a handicapped person the way you may revolt if you do not like the looks of Conchita is a gross unjustice to the handicapped person!! (Not that your reaction to Conchita is necessarily 'mature' or well thought through either, but at least Conchita aimed to shock and if you bit the bait, you responded as expected). 

In contrast, these precious men and women who are born with these 'physical and mental differences' who do not fit the expectations of our  youthful beauty focused culture are treated with gross injustice when we do not check our reactions to them. They may not come across as the epitome of strength, flawless features, and genetic perfection. Many men and women with special needs display unusual body movements -- my son's head is always tilted to the left, he stutters and speaks incomprehensibly, and he drags his right leg because it is too long. He has an enormous underbite, and he makes odd noises, often at times when others would consider noise making inappropriate.  

Now, where am I going with this and why does it matter? It matters because how you receive these persons affects how they view themselves --- it affects their self esteem and long term, it may be part of determining whether they suffer depression in their adult years. 

My son in particular has a speech delay/difficulty which largely isolates him in terms of communication and in terms of being able to relate to people socially. This difference and the isolation that has come with it has caused him to develop autistic like behaviors in order to cope with the isolation, the difficulty in breaking through to communicate with others, and the difficulty in feeling part of any one group. His autistic like tendencies are not any ONE or HUNDRED persons' fault at all. I lay it at the feet of nobody, but I do just want to put it out there as part of who he is because of how he has been received in the world in general. Adolescence and not being so cute any more has been a super hard pill to swallow for him. I am not sure it has gone all the way down to be digested yet.

And frankly, I would 'fault' if I may, Down Syndrome organizations for some of this. When they feature persons with Down's on magazines or as poster children, it's the girl with Down's who became a model, or the girl with Down's who was part of the cheerleading team. It is almost always those persons with handicaps who most conforms to our society's worship of beauty and accomplishment. It is not the average, slightly overweight girl with Down's or a boy like mine with several facial and midline major asymmetries that get picked for the pamphlet or poster. The mantra is usually 'just like us', and then we smear a goodly layer of make up on the girl and say, look how pretty she can be. The mantra is rarely, this is what he or she looks like. THIS is humanity!! This is a person. We love persons, and therefore we love this human being as well. 

Many with special needs feel isolated and not included --- if they don't fall in the category of 'cute' or attractive. Or if they don't fall in the category of persons with good social and communicative skills. These persons have difficulty building social bonds with anyone but their care givers because they get so little opportunity to be included in the main stream of society, even at the most rudimentary level.  

And so, WHEN I see the Bruce Jenners of the world trying to be accepted 'for who they feel that they need to be' (or however that needs to be put to reflect their intentions most accurately), I confess, my thoughts go to people much more in need of support, in need of acceptance, in need of being loved at first sight for who they really are -- namely those who cannot fend for themselves, those who in spite of costly surgeries (I lost count of the number we have done on Ben's face alone) look a bit 'different', and whose only chance of inclusion is a friendly smile, a pad on the back, a "hello, how are you?", a "come swing with us, there is room" from the general public. 

I wish MORE energies would go in the direction of trying to remedy this social ill.
(And I thank my daughter Kirsten for the initial thoughts that went into starting this blog.)

Judgment

Don't judge, lest you be judged. 

Perhaps that is what my title inspires you to think. Perhaps not.  

This is a blog about special needs, and it is in that light that I write about judgment. 

We all know that my judgment about what it is right for my child to do and how much risk he is allowed to assume and how soon he may mow the grass in the backyard on his own, is not going to be yours. Thank God for that! I am free, and therefore I am free to judge myself, my own actions, and my future plans.

What I am talking about in this blog is two aspects of judgment: 

1. the judgment that others pass on persons with special needs 

2. the judgment that persons with developmental disabilities have (or as is often the case, do not have).

Judgment, however bad a rep it gets in society when misapplied, is an essential skill in life. I need to be able to judge not only how long it will take me to get up in the morning, get dressed, eat, get my kids off to school, and drive to work, but I also need to be able to judge how much longer it will take me to get to work on a given day, given errands I have to run, weather conditions, and so forth. 

I am constantly exercising judgment when I decide how much and what I want to eat or buy or watch. I judge how late I want to go to bed, how much entertainment, exercise, and work I want to engage in daily/weekly/monthly in order to live the life I think is good for me to life. I make those same judgments on the parts of my minor children.  And then they grow up and they have to judge for themselves how to live.

I exercise judgment when I decide not to share a piece of news with a person who in my opinion is not privy to this information. I exercise judgment when I email a colleague at work to inquire what happened to our joint letter, which I sent him two weeks ago, but which he has yet to send back to me. I judge what to say, how to say it, when to say it, and by which medium to send the communication.

You get my point. 

We exercise judgment all the time, both in routine events that are not so hard to decide about, as well as in delicate situations that require forethought, consideration, seeing the other person's point of view, as well as in situations where we have other persons' welfare in our hands and can hire and fire them. 

JUDGMENT IS AN ESSENTIAL SKILL in a life successfully lived. Many folks live miserably because of failed judgments they made.

Judgment--lack of sound judgment-- is the sole, most important, most difficult sticky point with a person with developmental disabilities. 

[Note that when society says that someone is 'developmentally disabled' the label refers to the person's intellect only, not to any physical impairments he or she might have. So a developmentally disabled person is -- to put it in a good oldfashioned no-longer-acceptable words, retarded. In other words, low IQ. ]

Judgment is not forthcoming in great quantity in persons with low IQ. They simply are not capable of looking at all the aspects of a situation, seeing all the nuances and making a strong and wise decision. And that lack of judgment is both wonderful in that it allows them to be guileless, innocent and forthright. But it also gets them into big trouble on every front, with every family member, stranger, and friend as well as foe. AND THEY CANNOT HELP IT!

This summer both of Ben's brothers came home for a 3-4 week stretch each (not at the same time.) Each brother is military, and each brother stays in the lower bunk in Ben's room when he is home. They both tend to come home, dump their sea bags on the floor and they don't care too much about the messes they create while home, partially because we don't have much room, so there is not much room for them to store their stuff in, partly because they don't mind being slobs while they are home.

Well, during both visits, IN FACT at several points during EACH visit, I would suddenly hear an older brother's voice of panic: "Oh no! BEN!! You cleaned the room." You see, Ben likes his room reasonably neat, and when someone else makes a mess in what is his territory, he does not really have the verbal skills to articulate his need for order, so once a brother would be out for an evening, Ben would take that time to organize that brother's stuff. This resulted in long interrogations of : where did you put my computer mouse? Where are my keys? Where did you put my book? Where is my flash drive? etc.  Some of these, Ben was able to answer. In other cases you simply had to think logically of where Ben most likely would have put stuff, and in other cases again, the stuff was simply lost. Oh well!!

Almost every case of Ben's lack of complete common sense judgment on an issue goes like that. Good intentions - Bad judgment. There is a reason for everything Ben does, but he is not capable of keeping the entire picture in mind. 

Of course, I won't embarrass anyone with my story about the vegetable section at the grocery store recently :) . Those of us who live with Ben have learned to laugh in spite of other people's shocking outrage at some of the things Ben has said or done in public from time to time.

Ben's intentions are usually good, but he is also lacking in judgment when it comes to moods. He can be  grumpy, especially when -- as was the case this morning -- he doesn't get to go where he was planning, hoping, or used to going on a particular day.  This morning the usual destination would have been church, but Ben's brother was flying back to Annapolis, hence, a trip to the airport was in the cards instead. Ben was grumpy, and when grumpy his mood may randomly spill out on persons, we  meet. Ben will refuse to greet someone or refusing to comply with requests they make of him. When Ben is grumpy, he feels it, he thinks the whole world feels the same way, and he does not differentiate as to who suffers from his ill humor. Thankfully it is usually short lived, not vindictive, never violent, and mostly quiet, so not much harm is done.  It simply  must be forgiven -- one must consider the source.

I have in the past on this blog mentioned his lack of judgment in how much ketchup to pour, how much shampoo to use in one shower session, what to wear--given the weather. But that sort of judgment is difficult to inspire in a  person who cannot keep three things in his mind at once, and who in and of himself does not have many purposes to his day. 

Ben is mostly cared for, and in that capacity, he is trying to spend his time on things he likes. I can easily distract him, as I will when this blog is done, with having him help me cook dinner, fold laundry, or with me playing a game with him. But there are many hours in Ben's day, especially in the summer, where he must entertain himself. He just does whatever comes to mind. This is a low energy thing, like games on an iPad or a movie. My job is to structure his day so that he doesn't get a steady diet of media and no exercise at all. 

Now to us normal folks...

Likewise, many persons of normal intelligence have no judgment about Ben. Ben is, to them, a freak and an inconvenience, though they would never put it like that. Ben will play and have a good time when out in the community or at church, but I get called so often by people who are concerned about what he is doing, and who expect me to moderate how fast, loud, vigorous he 'does --- whatever it is he does'. 

That is fine. I much prefer getting called to having people try to deal with Ben themselves, since they inevitably scare him, and then he may shut down and run off and hide or in some what refuse to communicate or deal with anyone. 

What is, perhaps, not so easy, is that usually what others deem 'safe' for Ben is way less than what I think Ben capable of, or what I deem OK for Ben to engage in. To others he swings too high, he bounces too abruptly and hard on the slide. OR he is too loud, ... he is just  ... too.... too.... too.   I struggle to diplomatically  settle this issue to the satisfaction of all and Often I lack judgment.

What has been my conclusion in the last 3 years [since Ben got BIG and suddenly UN-cute] is that this is the battle that he and I must continually fight till the end of our days. 

There will always be another person somewhere  who thinks Ben ought NOT DO this or that. No matter how many people I 'school' in Ben and win over, there will always be another one who does not know. The 'poor' (in money, in heart, in spirit, in mind, in everything) we will always have with us. [And they are us too].

Explaining and justifying Ben's existence will be done and redone 70 x 7 times or more, henceforth and forever more. 

And what makes it tricky is this:  I have  never met a person who would not admit to the idea of being inclusive and accepting of persons with Down syndrome -- in principle, THAT IS. 

None of us think of ourselves as intolerant. We accept all races, male and female, kids, elderly, all creeds. We are all raised for democracy and for minority rights, and we are not out to squash anyone's right to BE HERE -- in principle. We believe ourselves to be kind --- and worse, we all believe ourselves to be of sound judgment. :P People are embarrassed to complain about Ben, they tell me, but their better judgment tells them they must because of this or that standard or fear or concern.  

In practice, we are all prejudiced. I am not talking racism here, but that we are prejudiced on  just about any topic we are not familiar with. 

We think we know how society ought to work and what duties each of us has towards others. We were raised with those values, and they are important to us.

When we encounter  an 'otherness' in someone like Ben, our values and judgments are challenged. And most of the time we still stick to our guns. We KNOW have good judgment, we know how to behave. It is this "otherness' that does not know what decency is. 

If we are fortunate enough to have the OTHERNESS explained to us well enough to realize that this disabled person can be no other than what he is, we may grown an inch in judgment and wisdom. But it is rare. 

Such is the case if we encounter a person (perhaps Ben) who in the middle of the grocery store (perhaps in the vegetable section) feels an itch and decides (with the best judgment he can muster) that it needs to be scratched. If that itch happens to occur in a somewhat remote and inaccessible spot on the body, there is no telling what we might be exposed to.

But need we react with shock? Is it so very shocking that human bodies have human body parts? -- Or is it shocking that more remote spots on the human body contain usually concealed human body parts?  -- Is it the end of the world, or the end of all decency, or even the end of anything at all, except our own dignity and compassion when we choose to react?? 

The person (perhaps Ben) is not the slightest bit uncomfortable scratching where it itches --- even if we are uncomfortable for having caught a glimpse of the action while reaching for the  tomatoes?

[Don't get me wrong. I am not suggesting that we all expose ourselves in Safeway near the tomatoes. I am merely suggesting that those who accidentally do so, and who know no better, do not merit a reaction from us. We simply don't see them, and we move on, like Miss Manners would.]

Recently at church, someone had forgotten to blow some candles out at a spot near the altar. Ben happened to be in that vicinity at church on that particular day precisely because the adult in charge of the swing set had decided that Ben was too 'dangerous' on the swings -- so she had removed all the swings, and nobody can swing on the swing set any more. 

As a result Ben was looking for a diversion, so he went exploring. That is when he decided to blow out the candles that someone had forgotten to blow out.  In the process, Ben encountered one of the many persons who do not understand him very well. That person (like the person in the grocery store) was outraged at Ben's action (blowing out candles --- surely a felony on the FBI's top 10 most heinous list).  

I admit, Ben's judgment was not sterling in going behind the altar. (Incidentally, Ben's mom's judgment of not  being within 5 ft of him at all times was also called into question)... but I feel that the judgment of the person who could see nothing but sacrilege in Ben's blowing out the candles is perhaps also impaired a touch. 

Life is bigger than  a couple of candles, even if the candles are near or behind the altar of a sacramental church. 

Perhaps we are asked in the Gospel to "judge not lest we be judged", not so much because we too are guilty of much, but because [like everyone else] we understand so litte and rarely ever have the entire picture.  

It is mostly elderly persons who are consistently bothered by Ben's being around and 'doing stuff'. I myself know so little of what they suffer in body and mind, what their fears are, or how they struggle with loud noises, sudden movements, or the fear that someone might break something somewhere.

Lord Have Mercy.